Whatever

So. I got to ignore you last Saturday. Which was great for me. Funny how it took you until I was about to leave for you to suddenly want to talk to me. Whatever. So interested in MY life, in MY step-children. Whatever.

Sooo could have done without your "wife" and her needy ways. Needing to be center of attention. Needing to make decisions. Whatever. That day wasn't about her. AT ALL. It was about your daughter-MY niece. NOT HER. Whatever. Then, being the civil/polite person that I am, I go to tell her goodbye--and in her "tispy-ness" tell me "I Love You". Whatever.

God, how I just wanted to scream FUCK YOU to both of you. But whatever. All that matters is that I got to stay away from you and you are gone. Back to your precious house in another state. YAY!

I just feel better knowing you are now out of MY state. Wish it would stay that way. Whatever.

You

You.

You know who you are. You fucked my life up. I was just a child. Yet you used and abused. Who do you think you are?? How dare you!! Yeah, you got away with it. You lucky fuck. Didn't care about the damage you did. Emotional. Mental. Who the fuck cares right?!?

And you just go about life, actin' like nothin' at all ever happened. Got the nerve to walk up with a big smile and want to hug and smooch my cheek. FUCKER!!!!

Guess you STILL haven't put together my alcohol and drug abuse problems stemmed from what you did to me all those years ago. Cuz I can't get it or you out of my head. What you did. What you said when I said I'll tell. Shit--that worked like a dream for you didn't it? Seeing as I STILL haven't told. At least, haven't told those that count. Cuz what you said is STILL fucking with my head. So I hold it in and it's wearin' on me. Tearin' at me. But I'll be damned if I'll allow it to push me back to alcohol or drugs. Fuck that!!

Yeah, I have to see you this weekend. But I don't have to hang with you. Don't have to do much other than say hi. But since I can't say it to your face, I'll say it here--FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Just FUCK OFF.

Aggravations

I'm aggravated today.  With my lack of not smoking.  With my eating instead of smoking.  I can't seem to NOT eat and I can't seem to NOT smoke.  Granted, I'm still smoking WAY less than I use to--of which I am proud of--but why can't I seem to quit completely?  Maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on myself.  I keep thinking that I should be able to quit cold turkey just like I quit the drugs and alcohol.  Maybe that's just too much to expect.

Mom quit--by removing one ciggy at a time--and with the help of LifeSavers of all things.  My brother quit--using hard candy.  My dad quit---but with the help of Chantix.  That took away the compulsion completely.  But I can't afford that--it's just too expensive.

I keep thinking that if I'm soo fucking tired of smoking, then I should be able to just walk away from it.  That's what I did when I cleaned up.  I was sooo fucking tired of being sick and tired.  I made up my mind and was able to walk away from it.  For 10 years now.  So why the fuck isn't it working now???

I don't know---maybe I should just say fuck it and smoke as I please.  No that doesn't feel right---I would be giving up and giving in.  Then I would be a failure.  In my eyes at least---if not in my family and friends eyes.

I don't want to do that--give up.  Be a failure.  I should be strong enough to do this.  Everyone says I'm this strong woman.  So where's that strength now???  God I am just soooo aggravated!!!!!

Tomorrow is another day---another day to try and quit--another day to remove one ciggy from my day.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day

My thoughts about smoking

Here I am, a week after deciding to quit smoking, still smoking.  Tried to quit cold turkey and it woke up my "vampire".  So I decided to try just smoking a few ciggies a day.  So far the most I have smoked is 4 in a day.  Which is really good as I use to smoke a pack a day.  But I really, really, really want to quit.  Everyone has good advice--join this online support group, use this, do that---and I really appreciate the advice and the support.  I really do.  But nothing seems to be working and it's really beginning to irritate me.

I try to stay busy so that it isn't on my mind ALL the time but I can't stay busy every minute of every day.  As soon as I sit still, it pops in my head--"I want a ciggie". As an addict-I understand that there are deeper reasons behind my actions.  But for the life of me, I can't seem to get a handle on this--why I just can't seem to give up the smokes.

Maybe it's because I haven't really dealt with the reasons I became an addict.  I don't know.

Maybe tho', by writing here, it will help.  That I'll get to the reasons and be able to quit.

I don't know.  All I know is I am sooo sick and tired of smoking.

Just getting started

New to the blogging scene, not sure how comfortable I am doing this, but I have to do this somewhere.  Have to get it out, as they say.  

So.  Those that find this, it will seem silly and like I am babbling.  I really don't care one way or the other.  I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else.

I'll get better at this--especially when I know there won't be anyone walking into the room to read over my shoulder.