Aggravations

I'm aggravated today.  With my lack of not smoking.  With my eating instead of smoking.  I can't seem to NOT eat and I can't seem to NOT smoke.  Granted, I'm still smoking WAY less than I use to--of which I am proud of--but why can't I seem to quit completely?  Maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on myself.  I keep thinking that I should be able to quit cold turkey just like I quit the drugs and alcohol.  Maybe that's just too much to expect.

Mom quit--by removing one ciggy at a time--and with the help of LifeSavers of all things.  My brother quit--using hard candy.  My dad quit---but with the help of Chantix.  That took away the compulsion completely.  But I can't afford that--it's just too expensive.

I keep thinking that if I'm soo fucking tired of smoking, then I should be able to just walk away from it.  That's what I did when I cleaned up.  I was sooo fucking tired of being sick and tired.  I made up my mind and was able to walk away from it.  For 10 years now.  So why the fuck isn't it working now???

I don't know---maybe I should just say fuck it and smoke as I please.  No that doesn't feel right---I would be giving up and giving in.  Then I would be a failure.  In my eyes at least---if not in my family and friends eyes.

I don't want to do that--give up.  Be a failure.  I should be strong enough to do this.  Everyone says I'm this strong woman.  So where's that strength now???  God I am just soooo aggravated!!!!!

Tomorrow is another day---another day to try and quit--another day to remove one ciggy from my day.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day

My thoughts about smoking

Here I am, a week after deciding to quit smoking, still smoking.  Tried to quit cold turkey and it woke up my "vampire".  So I decided to try just smoking a few ciggies a day.  So far the most I have smoked is 4 in a day.  Which is really good as I use to smoke a pack a day.  But I really, really, really want to quit.  Everyone has good advice--join this online support group, use this, do that---and I really appreciate the advice and the support.  I really do.  But nothing seems to be working and it's really beginning to irritate me.

I try to stay busy so that it isn't on my mind ALL the time but I can't stay busy every minute of every day.  As soon as I sit still, it pops in my head--"I want a ciggie". As an addict-I understand that there are deeper reasons behind my actions.  But for the life of me, I can't seem to get a handle on this--why I just can't seem to give up the smokes.

Maybe it's because I haven't really dealt with the reasons I became an addict.  I don't know.

Maybe tho', by writing here, it will help.  That I'll get to the reasons and be able to quit.

I don't know.  All I know is I am sooo sick and tired of smoking.

Just getting started

New to the blogging scene, not sure how comfortable I am doing this, but I have to do this somewhere.  Have to get it out, as they say.  

So.  Those that find this, it will seem silly and like I am babbling.  I really don't care one way or the other.  I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else.

I'll get better at this--especially when I know there won't be anyone walking into the room to read over my shoulder.