Aggravations

I'm aggravated today.  With my lack of not smoking.  With my eating instead of smoking.  I can't seem to NOT eat and I can't seem to NOT smoke.  Granted, I'm still smoking WAY less than I use to--of which I am proud of--but why can't I seem to quit completely?  Maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on myself.  I keep thinking that I should be able to quit cold turkey just like I quit the drugs and alcohol.  Maybe that's just too much to expect.

Mom quit--by removing one ciggy at a time--and with the help of LifeSavers of all things.  My brother quit--using hard candy.  My dad quit---but with the help of Chantix.  That took away the compulsion completely.  But I can't afford that--it's just too expensive.

I keep thinking that if I'm soo fucking tired of smoking, then I should be able to just walk away from it.  That's what I did when I cleaned up.  I was sooo fucking tired of being sick and tired.  I made up my mind and was able to walk away from it.  For 10 years now.  So why the fuck isn't it working now???

I don't know---maybe I should just say fuck it and smoke as I please.  No that doesn't feel right---I would be giving up and giving in.  Then I would be a failure.  In my eyes at least---if not in my family and friends eyes.

I don't want to do that--give up.  Be a failure.  I should be strong enough to do this.  Everyone says I'm this strong woman.  So where's that strength now???  God I am just soooo aggravated!!!!!

Tomorrow is another day---another day to try and quit--another day to remove one ciggy from my day.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day